My first love

This is a story of love but not just any love, my first love. I have been in a lot of relationships but I can honestly say, I have only ever truly loved two men. Both have had a significant effect on my life in one way or another....one was my first love and hopefully my last and the other is the reason I have the handsome little angel that lights up my world. Today, I want to share the story of my first love, the one I never truly let go of.

I read somewhere recently that we always go back to our first loves and it got my wheels spinning....I couldn't help but put my love life in that perspective and I realized that maybe there was some truth in that. I could be wrong but in my case, turned out to be pretty accurate so maybe you can tell me after I tell you the story of us.

The year was 2011, the place was college... we were in the same accounting class....I was young, smart, pretty and very jovial. He was smart, tall, dark and handsome but mostly kept to himself and his inner circle. So being the curious little thing I was, I just had to get to know him....so I borrowed his notebook one day and that is how we got to talking and becoming friends. He was a great guy I soon learnt and we became good friends. I was dating someone else at the time so I never really had an interest in anything more than that at the time. One day he asked me out for coffee and we had a really interesting conversation about life in general but that day, I won’t lie ...something clicked in me and I never quite saw him the same after. My interest was piqued and so was his from what I gathered but I was already taken so neither of us really made a move.

Fast forward, I got into campus and he flew out for his studies and we lost touch for a while. About a year and a half later, he reached out to me and we got close immediately like the last one and a half years were merely just a day. We would talk all night till the sun came up....I kid you not. He became my best friend and soon after that my boyfriend. I was in love. Have you ever loved someone that when you look at them you can see your whole future together? That is how much we fell for each other. No one existed for me but him. We had it all planned out, I would become his Mrs. and we would have three adorable babies and live happily ever after and it seemed easy enough too. His mom loved me, my mom loved him....I mean everything was working for us.

What happened you ask? Life happened. He was still studying abroad, he would come for the holidays but be gone for months after that and the long distance put a strain on our relationship. I was young and felt like I was missing out on a big world out there so I ended it. Broke his heart, broke my heart too but I never allowed myself to feel it because what right did I have of feeling heartbroken when I’m the one who ended it. So I threw myself into something else to distract me from the loss I was feeling. And so came my second love.

The relationship never quite started on the right foot but it worked for a while until it didn’t anymore. All the while my first love was still in my life. We were back to being best friends....we talked about anything and everything. We would talk for hours almost every day. Then I got pregnant and it got a bit more complicated for us. I have never had a harder conversation in life than when I told my first love that I was having a baby by the other love of my life. It felt like a great betrayal of the love we shared and the life we had planned together. Naturally, it had its toll on us and we grew apart. I had a family, I focused my time and love on them.

A baby down the line, my relationship turned sour and I was hurting, we seemed to fight more and more as time went by. He stopped being present so I left. It broke my heart. It wasn't easy after that trying to adjust to my new life as a single mother. Starting over was hard, I cried for many nights and I promised myself that I was not going to let anyone else in. What I didn't realize is that someone was already in coz he never left. He was always in my heart. We reconnected shortly after I left my second love and as always....it was like we were never apart. We got close. He was there for me, he helped me get through what was the hardest time in my life. We were back to being best friends again.

After a few weeks of long conversations on the phone and sharing our hopes and dreams….we rekindled something so strong, we couldn’t ignore it. I felt it but I was not going to be the one to mention it, I broke his heart once before and things were much more complicated this time…. I kept it to myself. A few months down the line, he told me that he loved me and that he never stopped loving me and I was “the one” for him. I just couldn’t contain myself when he asked me to be his love. Life gave us a second chance and we are not going to let it pass us by. Seven months down the line, still feels like we just got together the other day….honey moon phase. I got back with my first love, a few years later, and I’d like to think that if we survived the baby daddy drama, we can survive anything. Watching him with my son just warms my heart, you wouldn’t know that he wasn’t his son by the way he adores him and the amazing bond they share.

Moral of the story, you never forget your first love and if it’s meant to be, you’ll always find your way back. Sometimes the timing just isn’t right even if the love is. I’ll let you know when the wedding is….hahaha.

Putting the "date" back in dating

I was listening to “Dear future husband” by Meghan Trainor and I thought about what I want when I do get back in the dating scene. I haven’t been on the market for a long time since I was in what I thought would be a “till death do us apart” kind of relationship but I guess he didn’t want the same thing. That aside, being almost a twenty-six year old lady, having experienced my fair share of dating and being a mom; I’m not just looking for fun but also a commitment. I want that make me feel like flowers and butterflies and all that cute shit kind of dating.

There is this new breed of men who are just lazy daters and I mean chilling in the house, never take you out, kind of lazy! But as ladies, one of our biggest weaknesses is that when we love….we really love! All the rules and expectations you had sometimes just go out the window and you accept him as he is and be content with the kind of love he offers….as long as he loves you and chooses you at the end of the day. But I don’t want to settle for less, I want the guy who takes you out, it doesn’t have to be on every other weekend but once in a while plan a romantic date for your lady…even if it’s at the end of the month when you have some mula.

If there is one thing men should know and understand, is that your lady knows your limitations and she will never expect you to take her to Hilton when you’re a hustler but you can afford to take her to the top of KICC and a to have milkshake after, then if you want to end the date at home so be it….cook a nice meal together and watch a movie while cuddling on the couch. That’s a date!

One rule of dating, it’s the thought that counts and I mean know your lady and plan something you know she will enjoy. The fact that you put a little thought into that date will score you some points. I love swimming so take me swimming at a nice quiet location on a hot sunny day. Don’t take me to a concert or rave when I’m an introvert….let’s do a quiet intimate dinner. Also, maybe this is just me but taking me to a party does not count as a date. I’m not saying don’t do it or I won’t have fun but it just won’t be a date.

As a young single mom, I appreciate the complexity of dating when you have a child because you will always be a package and not many men can handle that but if I have learnt anything in the last month since I started to open up about my last relationship…. It takes a strong serious man to commit to that and there isn’t a scarcity of them (contrary to what I thought). So even though I was hurt and I loved and lost….i wont close myself off from love. I might not be ready to get back in the game but if love knocks, I will answer and I won’t settle for less. I want to experience the date in dating. Also, I think my future husband should listen to that song; “Dear future husband” by Meghan Trainor because it pretty much sums it up minus the cooking part…. I can cook pretty well J

Through my son's eyes

As an adult, sometimes life deals you blows and you learn to take them and carry on. As a parent, when life deals you blows you pray that your kids don’t feel them and that they never take the same hits. Being a mother has changed me in more ways than I imagined it would. I look at the world in two different ways, as is through my own eyes and through my son’s eyes as he sees it. My biggest wish and what I strive to give my child is the freedom to always see the world as he does now….full of wonder and excitement and unlimited possibility. I know it’s not possible to shield my son from the horrors and unfairness of the world; in fact I wouldn’t want to because he cannot change what he does not know and it will take more than our generation to change the world but I do hope that he does not take life’s hard blows along the way.

When he looks at me with his big white innocent eyes and smiles his toothless heart-warming smile, I can’t help but smile back. He is the embodiment of love, happiness, hope, joy and peace in my life. His tiny hands on my face….even though sometimes full of saliva just makes me smile. His full chubby cheeks, his light brown smooth skin….yes he got my skin color and maybe nose(not sure about that one), his father’s genes were stronger since he got his father’s height and most facial attributes. I just love everything about him….he is perfection in my eyes. I know when he looks at me he sees the same thing I do when I look at him; he sees of love, happiness, hope, joy, peace and a sense of security. I hope he sees that when he looks at me for the rest of his life (I know in his teenage years he might feel differently but hopefully after that phase I’ll always be his safe haven)

I want my son’s world to never feel incomplete, though his father and I never really worked out; I want him to feel that he still has a family in us…. that’s why despite our differences, I would never stand in between him and his father and their relationship. I would want him to understand that sometimes people just aren’t meant to be or want different things at different stages in their lives and that’s okay but that doesn’t change the fact that we love him and he always has a family in us no matter what.

Sometimes I watch him sleep, that beautiful, peaceful and fulfilling sleep…. how I miss that! That stress-free sleep you enjoy when you have nothing to worry about, nothing to lose sleep over and no nightmares haunting you in your sleep. I pray that he will never have sleepless nights and that if he is to lose sleep let it be because of love….because he is overwhelmed with love for that special girl that might be my daughter-in-law someday and not for heartbreak.

Through my son’s eyes….the world is beautiful and full of color. There is so much to see and experience and the wonder never dies. I want to start seeing the world as my son sees it. Focus on the good in life, spend as much time as I can with family and the friends that count and not lose sight of all the good in my life by focusing on the blows I have been dealt…..and man have I been dealt many! But when everything calms down and everything is right in your world….when you are the happiest and most content, that’s the world you should strive to create for your children and the generations that follow. And we are all parents even before we have our own children because when we see a homeless child begging in the streets….we feel for that child, all the same.   

A letter to my baby

Dear most awesome baby ever,

I hope by the time you are reading this, life has been everything I hoped it would be for you. You’ve gotten to experience the best life has to offer, you’ve followed your heart and your dreams but most importantly, you are happy. I think it would only be fair that I start with the funny story that preceded your birth. So about six months into the pregnancy, I had an ultra sound/scan done to determine the sex of the baby (i.e. you) and the doctor told me that it was a girl. Your father and I did the first round of shopping and bought a considerable amount of pink clothing. A week ago while I was eight months into the pregnancy, we did another scan and that doctor said you were a boy. You can imagine our surprise at the news but your father and I had long suspected you were a boy so we had a contingent boy name just in case and we hadn’t stocked purely pink clothes for you. Call it parental instinct. Though you do have some pretty strong kicks, that’s why your father has decided you will be a pro footballer (of course that is purely your choice but between you and me, I think you are really good dancer).  So we are eagerly counting down the days till we meet you, probably in 2 weeks, give or take. I apologize in advance because you might rock a few pink outfits for the first few months of your life due to the error by the doctors but at least your arrival already has an interesting story to kick it off. J

The main reason I am writing you this letter is to let you know that you are loved. I know you are and will be the best parts of both me and your father. I may not have met you yet but I have felt the life of you inside me for the last eight and a half months, I have felt your tiny little kicks from the time they were just small flutters to full grown kicks that make my stomach bulge out in response. I feel you and I know for certain that I am irrevocably in love with you. All my instincts right now are directed towards giving you the best I can give you in this life. I am eagerly waiting to see your tiny little cute self and hold you in my arms. The day of your arrival will undoubtedly be one of my happiest days.

As you enter in this world, there are things you should know. The world is not a certain place, sometimes it will build you up only to tear you down but one thing that will always remain true is that I will be there to put you together should it break you and to hold you up. I want you to learn to follow your passion and your heart wherever it may take you; life is too short not to take chances! I hope as I continue to age and pile on experiences, good and bad alike that the world won’t corrupt me so that I forget to tell you that you can be whoever and whatever you want to be, don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t do something.  I’m not saying it will be easy but that shouldn’t stop you from trying. Remember that the greatest regrets in life come from the chances we did not take rather than the ones we did not succeed in.  Also, allow yourself to love and be loved. Sure, people will occasionally break your heart and you will probably break a few of your own but don’t let that stop you from opening your heart, love is a wonderful thing.

My prayer for you is that you never struggle in this life but still learn the value of everything you have, that you learn to respect everyone around you especially those beneath you and you don’t learn anything the hard way but still learn all the same. Learn from people’s experiences so that you don’t have to go through those trials yourself and learn to put yourself in people’s shoes so that you treat them exactly how you wish to be treated. There is so much I hope for you that words can’t fully capture so all I want you to know is I loved you before I met you and I want the very best life has to offer for you. Be the best version of you that you can be. Live your life to the fullest and live for each day because tomorrow is never guaranteed. Most of all, be happy; happiness is a choice.

Lots of love my angel,

Love mummy <3  J

Of Men and Dogs

Just to be clear on the topic, to avoid wasting anyone's time, this is about cheaters. The one thing every man should know, most of the time, we know you are cheating....we may not be sure with whom but we know when and how long. I'm not one to be self-righteous because I have been unfaithful one or two times in a relationship here or there in the past but just to be clear, there are situations you are not allowed to cheat in!

Let me clarify, there are three types of relationships; 1. The relationship for temporary companionship,  2. The relationship of convenience,  and 3. The relationship for the long haul. In the first, one or both of you may be in the relationship just to avoid loneliness and to not be alone for the double dates, road trips etc. The second is pretty much self explanatory; it’s for one or both of your conveniences. The third, you both choose to be together for the long-term. What you do in the first or second type is none of my business but the third is what I want to discuss. Just to define the parameters, the long-term relationship is 1. One that has been ongoing for two years or more and is headed for a more serious commitment (i.e. marriage) 2. One with a child or a child on the way and is also long-term (just to be clear, a woman having your baby does not a relationship make but if you choose to settle down and start a family then that’s a different story) 3. Where you are living together (voluntarily) and of course marriage goes without saying.

When a man chooses to settle down and says, this is the woman i want to spend the rest of my life with, certain things are expected of this man but the main being keeping it in his pants. Contrary, to popular belief, there isn’t a scarcity of real men who actually do this with utmost loyalty. On the other hand, there is the deplorable kind that can’t be loyal to his woman if his life depended on it. Cheating is never an accident but a choice (might not be a smart one but it is a choice nonetheless).

There is nothing worse than going from being the other woman to being the main lady. Much as you think you want it, you have to keep in mind that you know too much! You know how it starts, you know how he cheats, the lies he tells when he is doing so (since you were on the other side of that phone call when he made those excuses before) and to make matters worse, you know that his boys know and enable it. When you get to the other side, you become paranoid every time he says he is with the boys or she is just a friend. You were just a friend, doing unspeakable things with him while his main lady stays naive and oblivious. When the tables are turned, it’s not fun being in the dark....

“She is just a friend” he keeps saying but you know better, you see the signs, you've read the texts (you couldn’t help but snoop….FYI, snooping is bad but be sure when you are looking for skeletons, you’ll find them in plenty) and he even has the audacity to have her in the same room as you and she conveniently sits by his side. What do you do then? I'll tell you with certainty that you are dating a dog. There are only 3 ways that could go; 1. You confront him, if he admits to it, well what you do with that is up to your discretion but on the other hand, if he denies it and you are certain then on to the 2nd one 2. You leave him 3. You cheat as well (tit for tat is a fair game after all and it makes for a good distraction because let’s face it, if you haven’t left him....its coz you can’t help but still love him) 4. Emotionally check out.....but then the relationship becomes just a show, a shell of what it was which is just a waste of both your times but if you have your reasons then have at it.

Men, don’t cheat and if you can’t help yourself.... at least have the decency to end the relationship first. Don’t lie to yourself that you still love her when you are busy dipping your stick in every pool you can because that is straight out bull! I believe if you love your woman, you will be a man and put her first, stay true to her and keep it in your pants. If she is not enough to satisfy you, then leave, get one who will or if one doesn't do it for you, don’t commit, there isn't a scarcity of women who love “no strings attached” too (take it for from a woman) The biggest flaw I’d say with our species (women) is that regardless of how much of a ratchet or wild girl you are/were, when we love…we love hard and stupid! (Stupid because we give it all up and stay true to one man even when he is the king of team mafisi)

Ladies, there are men and then there are dogs….just pray you got a man. J

RELEVANT

What do I want to be when I grow up? Simple, I want to be relevant. I don’t want to wake up one day when I’m fifty and wonder what I have done with the best years of my life. I want to be able to smile and say, I made a difference. Since relevant is relative, let me clarify.

No, I don’t want to be famous; I’m actually an introverted person who values personal space and privacy more than anything. I want to make a life-changing impact on someone’s life, be it one or ten or a thousand but at least make a contribution to better someone’s life other than my own. This particular someone should not be related to me in any way (it is an unwritten rule that you are obligated to see to your family’s welfare so technically that isn’t giving back but rather earning the status “member of said family”).

No, I also don’t want to be a philanthropist. Money may make a difference but it is not the only way to give back; there are treasures that even money cannot buy. Maybe adopt an orphan and raise him/her as my own or build a children’s home and give a child who didn’t have anything, a fighting chance. Help preserve our precious environment. There is no limit to the ways our society could benefit from a selfless contribution; pay it forward.

I think now we are on the same page. I want to wake up when I’m fifty, look outside my window and say, the world is a better place and I played a small part in that. You define your own success; don’t get me wrong, I want to make a shit load of money and give a better life to my kids but my success doesn’t have to be limited to me and my family, I define the scope.

Ask yourself, after you have gotten that dream job, built that company from the ground up, made more money than you can possibly spend, what then? You haven’t gotten to where you are by yourself and you won’t get to where you want to be by yourself. You need that person to believe in you, to invest in you and to inspire you. So be that person for someone else.

As you enjoy the holiday and stuff your faces this Christmas, as make your new year’s resolutions and goals; remember to ask yourself, are you relevant? What do you want to be when you grow up? Also remember, we are not growing any younger, these are the best days of our lives so make a difference today, tomorrow might be too late. Happy holidays people!!! 

PLAN B

Love is blind, not stupid…that being said, I suggest you get comfortable because what follows is a bit out of the box marked “love”. We’ve all had our share of good and bad relationships and the one thing they all have in common is that they all end, one way or another. I like the idea of love, don’t get me wrong but I’m also a realist. Most of us keep that one guy or girl (depending on what you are into…) waiting and hoping, even when we are in a relationship just in case it goes south then they can be your plan B. If you’ve never done this, I suggest you stop reading…

I’m never without a plan B in everything I do, so why should relationships be any different? If you’re an optimist and have complete faith in plan A, good for you. Just to clarify, plan B doesn’t come into play unless plan A fails and remember, we want plan A to work because it was our first and best choice. Speaking from experience, I have had a plan B now and then (not always…sometimes I have complete faith in plan A) and I have been a plan B (clande…don’t judge).

Speaking of clandes, being a clande doesn’t necessarily mean you are plan B, it means you are giving him/her something plan A can’t. Before I digress and get into being the other woman (story for another day…), let me get back to the topic at hand. I have been in a number of relationships, some really good, some average and some I still don’t understand how and why I was in them (I know you’ve dated that one person that you look back at and wonder what you were thinking) and I give them everything I have if they are worth it but I also try where possible not to put all my eggs in one basket.

Like most girls, there are some things I will automatically expect from you if you are my man, like your love, be my lover and my best friend and all that but the four most important to me are, 1. You make me laugh, 2. Your time and attention (these two always go together, if I have time but you are distracted during that time then it doesn’t qualify.) 3. Your trust and 4. You need to know me (and I don’t mean favorite color and food or likes and dislikes, know me on a deeper level, what means the most to me, when to push boundaries and when not to and that sort of thing). The order of the last three doesn’t always hold but the first one is important…you must be able to make me laugh. I get bored easily but if you can do that, then we are good to go but I don’t expect you to try and be a standup comedian in a one man show…..if you know me (no. 4) then that won’t be that hard.

It’s a lot of work but if you can solely handle this, then I probably won’t need a plan B. Before a relationship comes to an end or if it’s just not working, there are signs, we all know when it’s over even before either of you says it out loud. This is the time to get your plan B to point A (if you know what I mean). If plan A is working quite well for a period of time, then you need to discard plan B. I don’t know how long is long enough for you to say it’s working but for me, I give it roughly ten months, unless we spend a lot of time together then maybe a little less but nothing under six months.

I know you are probably disapproving at this point but just being real, no need to sugar coat everything…but I wouldn't mind getting your two sense (leave a comment, let me know what you think)