LOVE AFFAIRS

In this moment in time, I feel nothing. My heart is frozen in one beat, one rhythm and one moment. The moment of truth, the moment of realisation. I close my eyes and busk in the nothingness. My heart is numb but my mind is not oblivious to the wave of emotion that will come crushing when this moment passes. I'm afraid, not because this feeling is completely foreign to me but because I'm losing myself to it; to him.

I didn't see this one coming, if anything, it was the last thing I expected. It wasn't so long ago we were friends, we were content with the extent of our relationship. How then did we get here? I remember
it started with a smile, then a laugh then a kiss and before we knew it, this. This feeling that has completely overtaken us, it has imprisoned us but we seem not to notice, we're too busy getting lost in each other's embrace. How can something so wrong feel so right?

I haven't forgotten about her, innocent and naive to all this. She feels it too. She is so blinded by the feeling that she doesn't see what is happening, she doesn't see the web of complication that she has been glued to. He knows it's not right, he has to make a choice but i cannot dare to encourage it, she was here first...i wont stand a chance.

How do i tell him? I have never felt anything close to this, i have never been this afraid of a simple emotion. Just the realisation of how deep i am fills me with fear, not the fear of love but of loss. I had managed to build a wall so high that no one could even dream of getting over it, i had kept myself protected, in my own little fortress but he walked right through like it never existed.

Love, its just a four letter word yet it inspires so much. I am open to love but i am not ready to lose so i will stay frozen in this moment in time. My perfect moment of numbness. I know eventually i will have to face this feeling and everything that comes with it but for now, I pray. I pray that time freezes this moment; the moment of my love affair.

FLASHBACK

I remember the long walk way to the hall, lined with spectators on each side. It was the first time I had ever won such high heels and my biggest fear at the time was missing a step and falling flat on my face in front of all my peers; I would never be able to live that down. Thankfully, Pri was by my side, her arm wrapped around mine as she escorted me down the stairs. I know I looked stunning; she had done her best work on me. I was in her short tight red dress and stunning silver stilettos, my hair flowing down my back and the make-up brilliantly complementing my complexion. I had just the right amount of cleavage and legs to look hot without feeling awkward.  As we got down the last step, Pri let go of my hand and told me to have fun. I continued to walk slowly down the hallway and with each step I could feel all those eyes burning stares into my skin and the walkway felt endless.

Finally at the hall, we were issued with instructions as to the sitting arrangement. There were countless tables at the gigantic hall, slow dinner music playing softly in the background and dim lights all around setting the mood.  Each table had six chairs around it. We were instructed to seat three girls at each table and leave an empty seat next to each girl. We all took our seats and got served with fried rice, chicken stew with a side of vegetables and some sodas, wine was out of the question for thirteen to fifteen year old girls. When everyone was settled with a plate of food and a bottle of soda, the boys were brought in and told to fill the empty seats on each of our sides. We were all strangers to each other so there was really no guarantee of who would end up at your side, best we could do was scan the room for the most eligible bachelors. They all looked presentable in their best official dinner wear.

There were so many of them, I was scanning the entrance as they came in to see if any of them caught my eye. Just as I was about to give up and get back to my plate, I saw him. He was tall, dark and handsome (cliché right! But it still gets me) he scanned the room and finally his eyes landed on me. He held my gaze, smiled and started to walk straight towards me without breaking eye contact. I couldn’t take my eyes off him; he looked sexy with his black official pants, black shirt with the top buttons undone and the way his belt was holding it all together was just breathtaking. He had a nice lean body worthy of an award. Just as he was a few strides from my table, another guy filled up the empty seat by my side. I couldn’t mask the disappointment on my face; he had just ruined my chance with Mr. sexy. Mr. sexy shrugged his shoulders at me in defeat and scanned the room for another seat. It literary hurt to watch him walk past me.

As my self-imposing date introduced himself, I listened to the melodic music playing, it was beautiful. He had said his name was Evans and that was all I had heard, I had blocked him out when I realized he just wouldn’t stop talking. My thoughts drifted back to Mr. sexy, he was somewhere in the room and I automatically started scanning the room to see if I could spot him. It was a huge hall and though everyone was seated, enjoying their meals and interacting; it was still hard to find him in that crowd. My shortness did not help either. I was pulled back to the conversation at hand when I realized that Evans had posed a question and was waiting for the answer. I was completely lost, what had he asked? I looked at him and shrugged my shoulders. He asked a follow up question that got me caught up on the conversation and decided to pay attention. When I finally gave him my undivided attention, I was impressed at how interesting he was. He wasn’t my first choice but he kept the conversation alive, he was funny. His comical stories kept me laughing the whole time that I completely forgot about Mr. sexy. I was having a good time.

When everyone was done with their meals and the dishes had been collected, the dance floor was opened and the MC invited couples to take to the dance floor. Evans asked for a dance but I declined, the dance floor was still empty and I couldn’t dance with all those eyes on me; I was too shy. I wasn’t even sure if I knew how to slow dance, I hadn’t done it before though it never looked complicated. I was going to sit that one out; I didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes. Finally, one couple took courage and made their way to the dance floor and others followed suit. Some were dancing and others, like us, still at our tables conversing. Everyone started to come alive, girls were moving about to say hi to friends and gossip about their dates and boys were just moving around to allow the girls to talk privately.

I felt a tag on my shoulder from behind and as I turned to see who it was, I was taken aback when I saw Mr. Sexy smiling down at me. He had an amazing smile and I remember thinking to myself, did he have to be perfect! He whispered a greeting in my ear and proceeded to talk to my date. I couldn’t hear what they were saying but I could see the disappointment on Evans face as he stood up, he told me he would be back then left. Mr. sexy took his seat and had the biggest smirk on his face. He introduced himself and proceeded to ask me about myself. His name was Sly, even his name was awesome! We had a twenty minute conversation before Evans returned and displaced him. Sly went to the MC and dedicated my favorite song to me. After that I spent the rest of the date daydreaming about Sly.

When the dinner was over, the girls headed back to the dormitory to change into more comfortable clothes for the dance that would last till morning. As we changed into jean trousers, flashy tops and flat comfortable shoes, we exchanged our different experiences. At the dance, there were no specific dates; it would be every girl to the boy she likes and vice versa. It was an open mingling session with inappropriately loud music and inappropriate dance moves. To think that this was our first year’s welcoming party to high school, I knew high school was going to be fun. 

MOTIONS

There is something so serene about diving head first into the deep-end, having the water swallow you whole while everything quiets down. The feeling of solitude, peace and ironically you feel like you can breathe easily. There is nothing but you and the water, and the feeling of accomplishment; of knowing that you can face the depth. You can touch the bottom and effortlessly find your way back to the top. Life is a lot like that, the only difference is, some people can swim and others can’t.

If you can’t swim, being at the bottom is scary; all you see and feel around you is water, depth and suffocation. You try so hard to hold on to that last breath of air, and as it slips away, panic grips you and threatens not to let go. Every part of your body is fighting so hard to get you back to the surface but it seems the more effort you put in, the deeper you sink. Relaxation is the key to remaining afloat; any swimmer will tell you that. That’s life in a nutshell; the moral of the story is you need to learn how to swim!

I learnt how to swim, both metaphorically and literally. Although once you have explored the depth of the pool; you can reach every corner of it, then it becomes small. It becomes so small that there is nowhere left to discover, nothing new to experience and that’s when you realize the limits imposed on you. You can only go back and forth for so long before you’re completely worn out. Life takes more or less the same course. You discover your limitations; learn your depth and then you start to go through the motions. You know there is an ocean out there with endless water and great challenges but you don’t know how to get there or you are just too afraid.

At a young age of just twenty-three, I felt like I had reached that point. The end of the road where I had done and experienced everything there was to experience. I had loved and lost, I had rebelled and fallen in line, and I had succeeded and failed. I had been at the bottom and risen back to the top. At least that’s what I thought. Oh! I was so wrong! I thought i was in a funk going through the motions but it turned out to be the beginning of a whole new experience; i found the ocean.